Disappointment

Every relationship starts out smooth and filled with roses. So did mine.

Plans talked but unfulfilled and empty promises. I know you say you are different. But, so am i from then. When you met me, i was this little bubbling full of hope child. Now, i’m freckled with fears and insecurity. You ask me not to burden you with my expectations. I’m really trying. It’s not working. Please don’t keep making me see shadows in you. It’s killing me.  To you, it’s nothing. You can’t see my pain or my thoughts. Why must you lift my hopes up and crash it down? Friday, once. Saturday, again. Sunday? probably again. Monday again. Tuesday again? HAHA. Am i such an option in your mind?

Every time before i ask you to stay, i will get a flashback of you, bursting out in frustration not to pressure you to come. I feel so insecure. so..unwanted. I dismissed it as exam stress. But now, exams are over. so why. why is this happening to me. why am i like this.

C, reminded me of this verse:
“It is better to take refuge in the Lord to trust in men.” Psalm 118:8

I keep slipping into a space where God probably wouldn’t enter as well. I don’t know how long i can deal with this. You don’t believe me when i say i think i have depression. When you leave, panic sets in. I know this isn’t your fault. It’s purely mine. No one will love me in this state. or rather. No one can. Not even me.

I really need a break. I wish, I’d get so sick and just not wake up for awhile. So i can rest. So you can take a break from me, my psychotic obsession and my anxiety.

I’m sorry. this blog was intended to be forward facing. To be hopeful. To remind me. Yet..

 

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